Make way for the parade..

A parade!

Yes a parade!

Make way for the parade...the parade...the parade of aaaaasssssssssholessssss!

Have I got a story for you!  I may perhaps be on a slight mission with this one here but there are only few things that truly get under my skin...the first of which is lying. It's ugly and gives wrinkles so don't do it!  the second is disrespect and ignoring people - there are two things but they annoy me equally as such and if you're ignoring someone or me, it's disrespectful and's

other kids parents.

Ya, I said it.

I think that parents are disgusting for the most part.  I don't have perfect children and I am imperfect myself.  I have flaws and I make mistakes...I feed my kids popcorn and ice cream cake for dessert....this only has happened once so don't call CAS on me or anything but it's true....I didn't write the rule book because if I did, we would be allowed to drink out of the carton of milk, swear like sailors but rather than the kids hear our F-bombs they would hear whining in their ears so they knew how painful it was to listen too....BUT, my point that I am trying to make, I am not an asshole parent.

Case in point.

ODG (oldest daughter girl) wants to call her friend - we'll call her Bianca because that's a pretty snotty name - so I say sure, give her a call. I know this is code for I want to plan a play date but I'm not an asshole so it's all good.  Bianca and ODG talk for a bit and I hear the climax of the conversation - the part I dread for the most part - "put your mommy on the phone and I'll get mine...".  She does have the cutest puppy dog eyes and was so excited to speak with Bianca (who's mom probably be-dazzles her acid wash jacket) that I couldn't flat out say I don;t want to talk with her...  so I get on the phone with my vanilla cupcake voice "hello, this is the best mother of the year, nice to meet you!"  the voice on the end sounds like Deloris from the diner with her ciggy hanging out of her Marg Simpson.  it's harsh and is unwelcoming....I hate it instantly.  "ugh, so what are these girls doing" Marg asks while lighting up her 4 cigarette in a row.  "well they were looking to have a play date and I wasn't sure of your family's schedule, so I am unsure what would work."  instantly Marg answers me and says "well, like during the day or what?" no you asshole, at night..the first time I want your bedazzled kid at my house is for a sleepover so I can listen to her cry about how horrible you you jack ass.. during the day!  "yes, that would be best for Sophia, during the day; but we weren't sure what dates worked for you" This was me icing the know when you swirl the creamy delicious spread all over the cake?  Ya, that was me...patronizing as it was, I was laying my fake-voice on her.  What alarms me is how responsive Marg is to my fake-ness... "well, I don't work so I am free whenever, ugh, do YOU. WORK?"  Yes Marg Simpson, "I work full time" you half-wit. 

Right that moment in time, I lost it.  I couldn't believe that I have just been down talked by a parent who bedazzles!  Fuck you Marg Simpson!  I work a full time job because I got knocked up 3 fucking times by my husband while I was tipsy each and every time!  I work because I can't afford to bedazzle my kids things and I work because its the 20th fucking century and shit is expensive.  I couldn't believe her disgust while asking me.

She literally thought at that point that I wanted a late-night play date with her child and clearly the lady doesn't believe in active listening because I had said 3 times, perhaps on a weekend.  Anyhow, she tells me that she is open aside from a few days where plans had been made.  Then she proceeded to ask if I have a pass for some pool near us, because she got one for her daughter because that is where the cool kids hang out...

Another amazing comment from this lady's mouth.

I believe that parents make their children who they are as adults and as of this moment in my life it is fairly ok to say, that Marg's parents are assholes too.  I feel so bad for Bianca and her closet full of bedazzled clothes.  I mostly feel bad for ODG as I don't know how to break it to her that her friend's mom is a bit of a douche and I don't want her hanging out with her.

Not only did she down talk the fact I work, but why do you get your kids a pass somewhere so they can be "where the cool kids are"?  Seriously, why perpetuate Mean Girls - the sequal??

I think that I handled myself well...I just spread that icing all over and when I was finished, I said "it was such a pleasure talking with you, thank you for your time".  She quickly responded "yeah...oh ya, thanks, great too. Let's get together to talk about the kids..."  I didn't hesitate and I do believe that auto-pilot took over and responded for me because I remember thinking "no thank you" but I didn't recall saying it until I looked at ODG who was awestruck by my incredible-ness...this also could have been the face of utter humiliation - but either way I was something!

I had to take a day to get through my emotions about this parent and how she talked to me.  I couldn't penalize ODG for the choice in her friend's parents' so instead I had a conversation with her today about assholes and asshole parents.  I explain that I wouldn't ever tell her who to hangout with...but if I felt that someone demonstrated unacceptable ways, views or activities, that I would interfere.  I also told her that you can't choose your family....lord knows life would have been really different if this were the case.. but that you can't so no matter what I have to say, just know that you're loved so much by mommy and daddy...

She looked concerned, like I was taking away something from her but I calmed her nerves before I spoke.  I informed her that her friend's mom is an asshole plain and simple.  I told her that while her mother may be one, her friend Bianca may not be...sometimes it skips a generation that asshole gene.  I let her know why I didn't feel it appropriate to continue a converesation with Marg Simpson.  ODG looked up at me and says, "no mom, it doesn't skip a generation, Bianca can be an asshole too!"


I don't feel bad that I haven't called them today and I don't feel bad that Iam not going to do anything but relax this weekend rather than drive all over for one kid to go here and another to go there and ODG to go to the asshole's house.

Thank you jebus for letting this parent be an asshole!  I was beginning to wonder if I was being overly harsh in my thoughts...but I am not!!  There truly are a lot of asshole parents out there.

Drama Queen

forgotten words....
so i have been reviewing some of my drafted posts and wonder why I didn't publish or finish these darn things...

this here, from 2011 the week before my birthday... I think I had a case of the "who's gonna show up to my party" or something because what actually happened was one of the most amazing nights in my life...

every party has a pooper; party pooper...

I am 31.
Each year my birthday remains 365 days from the last.  Miraculously it falls on the same date - which I think is convenient as far as birthdays go.
I wonder, how many of you enjoy your birthday?!?  Is it because you have time with your family or friends? Do you party like a rock star?  What has been the best birthday you can imagine?  I bet it was your 30th....people always do amazing things for big celebrations.
Being a New Year's baby, I have grown up hating my birthday.  Not what it stands for - that I actually really enjoy...but the fact that it's right after Christmas makes your celebration feel less like your birthday and more like a Saturday after drinking...Oh! Wait...this year it was.  Being a New Years Baby also means that the night before your birthday, everyone is partying and getting shit-faced.  And by everyone, I mean...literally everyone!  Your birthday consists of only Chinese Restaurants being open and gas stations...not so much in the gourmet department but as far as Twinkies and Cantonese Chow Mein, it's amaz-balls.  It means that if you were to really celebrate your birthday, someone would have to really go all the way to do something...this is known as planning ahead. Like mentioned before, planning ahead could really benefit from how amazingly convenient my birthday likes being as again, its on the same day as every year.
I recall when I turned 17, my friends and I all went into Toronto and rented a hotel room.   We drank waaaaaaaaaaaay too much, we partied at Nathan Philips Square, swam on the roof top pool that was indoor/outdoor and had a friggen blast!!  That was really the last birthday that I can recall where something special happened and where I was completely amazed.
It doesn't really take a hotel room to make me appreciative; but I asked you what your favourite birthday was, so I figured I would share also.  My 30th was really just another day...on the actual day.  Nothing out of the ordinary - just time with my family.  I did manage to plan a dinner out with our friends too though, so that was fun and full of amazing food!   This year was the same....sort of.  I didn't get to spend any time with Mr. Insatiable as he had to work after I did....but there hasn't been any plan for dinner or anything.  This year I kind of threw the towel for the planning department.
I find myself a little emotional right now as I feel that I have planned my ass off for the last while....To me, each celebration is something to really acknowledge...birthdays, father's day, holidays and successes.  I fear that my husband feels differently...
While I know that his schedule is somewhat horrible and not allowing of many days off or a lot of vacation time, perhaps 365 days is enough time to figure something


Reflection over bitches...what the hell was I thinking.  Perhaps I had proved my point...maybe the SEXSTRIKE was worth the agony?  Who knows but what I do know is this:

My husband knows how to surprise his woman.   New Years Eve, was a blast.  One of my friends had people over, so I went there as Mr. Delicious worked.  We had several brands of cocktails - Christmas Beer (which if I can interject was FUCKING disgusting), strawberry wine and other goodies.  There were games and rock-band and cupcakes from dear friends.  There was also an amazing amount of time laughing and a surprise that Mr. Delicious actually came via cab to the party afterwards.

I don't remember being that drunk in a long long time and I do know that it was amazing.  I had one of the greatest nights ever, and it was only just beginning.  The party died down (well, not really, they are rockstars, I couldn't hang....I was wobbling and was a hot mess in the waiting so I took my que and asked Mr. D to hail a cab).  Anyhow, I remember going home and that was about it...

Next day I wake up and feel every hair on my head and see every ray of light....I'm blind!! Kill me!!! is this what purgatory is like??  No jackass this is a hangover...and yes, it's 5:30 am and your kids are waking you the fuck up!!!!!  The funny thing is that this time it was different...Mr. D had gotten up and had asked the kids to go away and play while mommy slept.

The next thing I knew it was around 3 in the afternoon and a coffee was handed to me along with a beautiful card and the kids told me that they would see me later as they were going for a sleepover.  WHAT???  where are you going I asked...but they just looked at me with big grins of missed matched teeth and told me to mind my own business.

I was almost cured from the temporary blindness and scolding headache by 6pm and Mr. D looks at me and says that while he loves me, if I don't shower he will likely divorce me for funking like I take his que and wash the hangover off of me.  I think that the shower lasted about 45 minutes in super hot water because even now when thinking back, I am relaxing as I am typing....anyhow, I have my shower and get dressed and make my way downstairs and I was greeted with a glass of wine and was told to sit down and enjoy.

Is this vertigo?
What is going on here?

Why, are you scolding me?

Really, I am not fucking good at surprises or being told to sit there and not do anything but I am also a Capricorn so while I have my own way of doing things properly, I also don't want to make people unhappy and am a perfectionist so I sit.  I sat and drank my wine and allowed the cup to be replenished time and time again by my handsome man-slave er...husband and I sit there.

I was getting quite bored with just sitting there so I asked if I could do anything... no response... I hear things banging around and I faintly hear music in the background like my headphones were on or something but it wasn't see Mr. D was in the kitchen cooking for us.

Fresh made linguine with beautiful alba truffles that he had bought just for me. 

Ya I am fucking serious...the man loves me for sure....he was making a beautiful dinner for just the two of us and I was in the bag already!  God it was glorious!!!

I returned to my sitting while doing nothing and tried to remain occupied by reading, flicking the TV stations but I couldn't rest at ease..I wanted to jump in and help.  No matter my resistance, Mr. Delicious was adamant about my participation...telling me to just relax and enjoy it was almost ready...and I would ruin the surprise.


For me?  I had never had a surprise before.  What was the surprise?  Will I be surprised?

Literally this is what was going through my head...I think I felt like a puppy must whenever they see a bone for the first time... bone bone bone bone bone bone...squirrel!!!  anyhow, so I sat there wagging my tail waiting for my surprise.

I hear the final touches of the pasta being tossed in the goods and plating begins.  Fresh bread, a lovely pasta and more wine.  Yes, I am a lush - especially when I am hung over and fucking hungry.  We sat together for what seems like days in the quiet of our house (which was a matter of 30 minutes while we ate) and he leans over to tell me of the surprise...

"I wanted you to know that even though I tend to shit the bed a lot when it comes to putting you first...and I want you to know that it stops here.  You always take care of the kids and me and you have to know that even though I can't ever execute it properly you are always my first this year I listened and did it right!  I gave you what you wanted...a clean house, full of peace and quiet and some time for you and I."

Man oh Man do I love him!

He did was as if I was the Grinch hearing that Christmas song by the if my heart was melting and growing bigger and bigger with each word.  I couldn't believe it!  He did this for me...I was put first in his books and he showed me how...

Words cant express how that made me feel and even now as I am almost 8 months past, I am emotional thinking how lucky I was to have such a special night with my husband...and that wasn't it.  No sir, this man pulled out all the stops...

candles in our room...
a beautiful guitar and
a trip to NYC

Yes, Mr. Delicious had been planning for months with my sister to have her and I go on a girls weekend in my favorite city! 


Yes...almost 8 months ago, my husband showed me how important I am to him by giving me one of the most magical nights ever...and a great gift that he and my sister shared...

So today...I look like a giant ass for writing what I did I guess...perhaps I am a genius...maybe he knew what I was feeling, how I felt neglected and the shitty end of the stick or the bottom of the totem pole...yet, today, I also get to remember and appreciate the things he does for me.

Things have been incredible with my husband for some time.  We have learned to work through the worst of every day together because if you don't you're left with a pile to sort out later and no one wants to.  We are able to enjoy each others company and have started to value and appreciate (even more than before) the fact that our best friend is the person we married.  It certainly takes time to get here...and a hell of a lot of life; however, now that I am here...I couldn't be happier.

Anyhow, I better go, as I speak Mr. Delicious is reading about Mr. Grey so perhaps I may get to be "appreciated" even more...

Forever After

Occasionally, I write...sometimes it's poetry other times its a song.  I wrote the a while back but feel like now that I have grown from this, I can share.  To my husband of 9 years and best friend for over 1/2 my life, Mr. Delicious, you give me a Forever After to look forward to.  I love you with everything that I am and everything that I have...I am yours forever and always. (aw)
I don't always know the perfect thing to say
I don't pretend to either; but,
There's something that you haven't said
And it's makin' me unsteady
Standing there
with distant look upon your face
A smug grin that's stuck in place
Just standing there...
We haven't talked in so long
Leaving so many words left unsaid; it's a sad song
We haven't had a moment when...
We have stared in each others eyes and just knew what to say
Sitting here
With tears running down my face
Stuck in time
A love that's been misplaced
How can we get together again
Be best friends till the end
Take a chance on forever and 
Wind up happily ever after 
Ever after
Rush to judge this
Take every word in and let your heart lead you to me
Just try to let me in
Don't walk away in anger
Don't give up on our ever after
Let me in
How can we get together again
Be best friends till the end
Take a chance on forever and 
Wind up happily ever after 
Ever after
I guess that's how the story goes
Let it be and well see what unfolds
I just want forever after
Our happily ever after
Ever after

What kind of girl are you?

"What kind of girl are you mommy?" she asked me. I didn't know how to respond so feeling my age an advantage I counter her question with "what kind of girl are you?"   Befuddled she looks down at her feet for quite some time figuring out the right words to enunciate just what kind of girl she was. Her feet tapped in the puddles and her fingers twiddled round and round until I saw the light bulb pop atop her head. Her eyes met mine with a grin from ear to ear. Casually she answers "the kind of girl who tastes like chocolate chip cookies and smells like vanilla beans.  I'm the kind of girl who runs in the rain until you tell me to stop and I am also the kind of girl who hears a song on the radio and can't help but dance."  She stood proud, revelling in her profound declaration...she smiled with her whole body.

This was from my 8 year old today. What the hell? Did she literally just look at me and sum up her entire 8-year old self when I cant look inside of me and tell if I am hungry??!!

How on earth did she do this?  This little creature who started out as the product of a killer dress, new hair cut and a body shaking orgasm is my daughter.  My 8 year old daughter who is so curious and inquisitive has the capacity to think so clearly about herself.  How did she become so sure? Where did she learn to be so free? 

Naturally, I would immediately think "from her mother...duh?" but I really don't know... I am no longer that confident.  I am not that 20 something savvy bitch who can handle her gin and tonics like they were vitamin water...I am also not that  sure that I smell like chocolate chips or vanilla beans although that would be fantastic.  So would smelling like sunshine and lollipops...

I am truly blessed to have been given such wonderful children.  Kids who have imaginations that are bright with HD colour and who's daydreams are way wackier than the remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  I hope that in the future I get the chance to be completely surprised by my kids creativity and genius. 

I get slightly emotional in thinking back to that smile she gave me..that soft giggle she carries in her voice...the low rasp in her tone. 

Although I don't always understand have always brought laughter to my heart.  Always march to your beat, not the beat of others; soon enough you will see others marching to yours. Go make your own music, fill the air with your spirit, passion and kindness.

Wow...aren't I a lucky gal?

I didn't literally shit the bed...

Dear Diary,

Today I have got to tell you something - it's pretty fucking big - so keep your mouth shut.  Its really only you that I talk to about these things - you know...the really good juicy deets that keep me ticking - and I know you have a tendency of running your mouth whenever you get the chance....
Anyhow Diary, today I realized that I have shit the bed on my blog.  No I didn't literally shit the bed; although that is a much easier mess to clean I would suspect.
It's been nearly 6 months since I have posted and I truly feel like I should be punished.  No, you sick fucks, not like in some 50 Shades of Grey type way...well...not for something like this... but I feel there should be some sort of recourse for my lack of attention.
I haven't got the foggiest of ideas why I have let this slide... you really are the only thing that I actually have done for myself aside from shave my legs, occasionally get my hair done and drink wine so WHY..

WHY the FUCK have I let YOUdown?
Who knows Diary.  I am a shitty human being.  A horrible friend... GAD I'm a failure...


Ok, I'll stop the dramatics I think it's the wine talking know me, I am a hard-ass without emotion... lol.. ya, right.  Ok, I'll stop the bull shit too I guess.  I really don't know what happened though, I feel that I need to make it up to you though.. and to those few people who occasionally pass by this dump to see if I have a pulse or not.
Things that have changed are the fact that I dropped the Panty Pyramid... that was weight that was on my ass that I didn't need - I have enough of that already. I sincerely wanted to thank those people who had participated and who thought it was fun.  It really was - I got to meet a lot of new people that way and pimped out some gitch... woo hoo!
Other things that have  I feel like a new person.  No,I haven't had surgery or anything...shesh you haven't changed much i see.  I have been skating through life lately with a decent amount of sass and happiness.  Seistor, is getting married in less than 4 months and naturally I am the matron of honor (obviously because I am incredible) and I couldn't be happier. 
Kids - Thing 1, 2 & 3 are all incredible. They still piss me off on a daily and drive me to drink but I have found solace in the fact that this is why I had they can empty the dishwasher and bring me bonbons,  Er, I mean, so that I can nurture them and teach them life skills... right?
Mr. Insatiable - aka Mr. Delicious has been keeping busy too.  Work has had him busy but with a purpose and I feel that as he has had the chance to take time for himself and his family, he is much better... more Delicious if you will.

Me..the host...well... I am still over weight - at least over my preference - and am working on that part.  I am tanned - and look pretty great though - a week in the sun will do that to ya...and I am feeling pretty good.  Work has been going great and as of August I'll be able to apply for my sabbatical...yes, a whole month off paid!! Yippee!!! Other than the wedding stuff that is upcoming, I am pretty organized and fan-fucking-tastic.
Anyhow, I hope that this can be the beginning of a new friendship Diary.  I am sorry that I deserted you and left you to be pimped out and gang banged but I think that if you can forgive me I'll be able to  remain focused on myself as per the usual...if you'll let me
Can we still be friends?


i wish for you all to have a wonderful year.

i wish for you all to find one thing that makes you so happy; that you love doing or have always wanted to do...embrace it!  take chances, fall in love...laugh out loud or stand up and scream.  gamble on life, roll the dice its your year!!!                                                                                   


I want to grow up and be happy;
I want to feel young and walk proud.
I want to age and feel graceful;
Not to walk under this cloud.

I want to dance in your sunshine;
I want to walk in your smile.
I want to hold on to your heartbeat;
No to feel cast aside.

When moments turn to minutes;
And days turn to night.
I want to hold you close to me;
I don't care who's right.


Whisper your thoughts to me;
Tell me all of your fears.
Don't push me away from you;
You will drive me to tears.

Life passes by daily;
Slipping through our hands.
Grab each moment you're given;
Or alone is where you will stand.